Diana McCaulay, Contributor
YOU WILL appreciate Cable and Wireless is not my favourite corporate entity, considering their cavalier approach to coral reefs.
In addition, my customer-related dealings with them have always been frustrating, due mostly to the difficulties of getting past their incomprehensible Automated Attendant to speak to an Actual Person.
I am of the view that no-one is in fact employed to Cable and Wireless, except possibly, Errald Miller.
My tense relationship with the communications giant took a decided turn for the worse recently with the arrival of an exorbitant cellular telephone bill. It was obvious my 'phone had been "cloned".
Half a page of the bill was devoted to a single number on a single day. Now think about this for a minute. Why would anyone need to speak to anyone else 23 times in a day? Jamaica truly is a mysterious place.
So I took a deep breath and called Cable and Wireless. And - oh joy - I got the Automated Attendant.
"Thank you for calling Cable & Wireless Jamaica's Customer Care Centre. Your call may be monitored to ensure quality service."
Good, I thought. I could do with some quality service.
Ten minutes later, having gone through an exhausting range of options none of which I wanted, I got to speak to an Actual Person, an extremely pleasant young man called Chris. So Cable and Wireless does have at least two employees, Mr. Miller and Chris. (Now I have to concede an improvement here. Remember when no telephone operator would give his or her name?)
Chris said I had to go a Customer Care Centre with the offending bill and my cell 'phone. I headed off to the New Kingston Shopping Centre with a picnic lunch in hand, Tolstoy's War and Peace (which I expected to finish while waiting) and a pillow, in case post-lunch sleepiness overtook me.
First impression
My first impression of the Customer Care Centre wasn't too bad, there were no enraged customers yelling their heads off or running amok with machetes.
There was a small clutch of people standing around a young woman, who was gazing off into the middle distance. I presumed she was the receptionist, a.k.a Cable and Wireless Employee No. Three.
A sign requested that all customers take a ticket. So I looked for a ticket, expecting something like the Take-A-Number machine you find in an ice cream parlour. No such technology was obvious. Everyone else was looking too.
Employee No. Three serenely contemplated the horizon. An older gentleman diligently examined the floor for tickets and seemed to be about to rip up the carpet in his search. There was synchronized shoulder-shrugging among the assembled company.
Luckily, a man who obviously knew the runnings, strode up to the counter and punched at a mysterious box-like thing on the desk. It spat out a ticket and the atmosphere among us neophytes lightened considerably.
The box-like thing required options, like the Automated Attendant. Payment? Repairs? Queries? The group discussed the selections and advice was freely dispensed by everyone but Employee No. Three, who was still meditating on the Meaning of Life.
I picked Queries and got No. 434.
"Dawg nyam you supper," said a man behind me gloomily, "400 number is de worst?"
The wait
I sat. I began War and Peace. I ate my sandwich. I talked to my fellow customers. There was a lively discussion as to whether each person's ticket was the right one and some horse-trading ensued. (No, man, is Repairs you want. I'll swap you my Repairs for your Queries.).
I kept an eye on the 400 counter, which was characterized by a spectacular absence of customer turnover. An electronic voice called numbers in every other sequence except 400. A woman behind me gave a huge sigh.
"How long you been here?" I asked her.
"One hour long gone now," she said. "But I was here yesterday too."
I offered her my pillow.
War and Peace failed to grip and I left after 46 minutes with my problem unresolved. I bequeathed ticket No. 434 to a grateful woman who had No. 437 and was obviously facing days of waiting.
I went back to the office and wrote Cable and Wireless a terse letter, attaching a bill for time wasted in their inaccurately-named Customer Care Centre. I am an eternal optimist and I confidently expect my bill will be settled.
FOOTNOTE: Journalistic integrity compels me to report that Cable and Wireless' Employee No. Four, Derek Peart, called me the next day to apologize for the wait and offer his assistance. I suggested that the very first option on their Automated Attendant be: "Press 1 If You Want to Complain." He said he'd take it under advisement.
